Wow! So how do you deal with telling your parents who are Amish that you are getting a divorce? This is something that has become a reality for me. So I made the decision to write my parents a letter to let them know of my impending divorce, because I did not want them to find out from someone else. Needless to say, it did not go over well as was indicated by the short response scribbled inside my Christmas card by my mother. I did respond to her note with another letter. I never heard back from her again. That was 6 months ago.
Bottom line, the Amish do not believe in divorce under any circumstances. The truth is, as a Christian, I don't believe in divorce either. I believe if there are two people who love God and choose to live on the path of love and forgiveness at all times, there should never be a need to even think about divorce. Unfortunately, the key is two people who both choose to live on this path. When one person won't and chooses to walk away, there is absolutely nothing you can do except watch them go, pray for them, and know their choices are between them and God and they will have to face their choices one day. Today is just not that day so they walk away thinking they are getting away with it.
So all of the things my mother wrote to me I don't disagree with, but the part she doesn't get is divorce is not something I chose. My ex-husband chose to leave rather than deal with the demons inside and fight to overcome whatever was tearing us apart. No, he took the coward's way out and walked away, telling himself I was the problem and I was not worth fighting for. How do I explain this to my parents? None of this matters to them. Divorce is never an option. Period.
So I am going home to visit them in a week for the first time in over a year and a half and for the first time since letting them know about my upcoming divorce. I go because I love my parents and my daughters love their grandparents. And in their own way they love me and they love my girls; however, I am not looking forward to the conversations that will be inevitable. There are no words that will help them understand. There will be no defense that will cause them to somehow miraculously have compassion. No, their beliefs do not allow them to have compassion and love for me during one of the most difficult times in my life. Instead, there will be lots of condemnation and reinforcement of the failure I am and the disgrace I am to the family.
So while I have no doubt that no matter where you come from divorce is not easy for any family to accept. When their daughter tells them she is getting a divorce I am sure there is disappointment, probably anger, grief, and any other emotion you might imagine, but in many cases there will still be the love and support for you, their daughter. That is not going to be the case in my case.
Wouldn't it just be easier to stay away and not go visit knowing what is in store? Well, while it would certainly be easier, it would not bring forth it's intended purpose for life and that would be to love at all times and in all circumstances. They are my parents. I love them and as long as they are alive I will go see them and take my girls to visit their grandparents. I understand there is nothing I can do or say to change their mind, but God can. So I won't try to fix it, defend it, or explain it. I will allow God to send the Holy Spirit to show them if they will open their eyes. I will pray a lot and then I will love them as best as I know how and hope for the best!
The truth is I am not going to change the Amish, their beliefs, or how they choose to treat their own should they choose a different path for their lives. I am already excommunicated and shunned so what more can they do? Nothing that will hurt any more. Although I don't agree with their reasoning, I have received God's healing and that is what helps me to get through whatever they want to dish out, because I understand why they do what they do.
So pray for peace and love to be present on my visit with my parents and any other family that may show up while we are there.
Bountiful Blessings,
Barbara
About Me
- Barbara Kay
- I became a single Mom a year and a half ago and I am Mom to 2 amazing girls who are my motivation for everything I do in life! I want to create a legacy and make a difference in their lives. I want to teach them the skills and give them the tools they need to be all they were created to be! I am a student of Dani Johnson on www.danijohnson.com and my goal in 2014 is to become a facilitator for 2 of the Dani Johnson programs, Grooming the Next Generation for Success and Gems. I am in the process of writing several books including a cookbook and putting together healthy cooking classes that I will be helping to teach! I grew up Amish in northeastern Ohio and left the culture in 1995 when I became a born again believer in Jesus Christ. I have travelled to Brazil, Guatemala, and Haiti on short term mission trips since becoming a Christian in 1995. Please feel free to post comments or questions and I will always do my best to answer any questions you have. If you have problems posting to the blog feel free to send me an e-mail at barbarakeim72@gmail.com God Bless you! Bountiful Blessings, Barbara Kay
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Excommunication & Shunning
Wow! This is such a touchy and controversial subject! There are about as many opinions about this as there are people who are experiencing it. So I will attempt to share my view, although I have to say it is a very emotional topic.
First, I would like to say that neither of these words actually show up in the KJV Bible, which albeit in German is the one the Amish use. The word shunned is used in Acts 20:27 and 2 Timothy 2:16 but neither excommunication or shunning are found.
Second, I am not going to get into all the theological mumbo jumbo of this subject, but I will share my experience. I became a member of the Amish church when I was 18. I left 5 years later when I was 23. As is the custom I was paid several visits by the Bishops (the one in the church I currently attended and the one who baptized me), the ministers and deacon. It is their duty to go talk to one who as they see it is erring in their ways. They came to talk to me and to try to explain to me where and why I was wrong. I respectfully listened and thanked them, but told them when they left to do whatever it was they needed to do. I was not coming back. I later received a letter that told me I had been excommunicated. How I am treated depends on where I go, who else is there when I go, and I must say my mindset and attitude has had a lot to do with how I have been treated. See sometimes those of us who leave, because we feel God has enlightened us and we have received Jesus as our personal Savior, feel the need to prove we are right and they are wrong and we try to play the Holy Spirit in their life which is something God never intended for us to do.
Many of us who have left the Amish left for many different reasons. I was one of those people who never allowed myself to consider leaving because I didn't want to go to hell and I was a school teacher after all so I had influence over the young people in our community. Going to hell is what they teach will happen if you leave the church, because they believe it is belonging to the church that keeps you connected to and right with God. I loved God and I wanted to live a life that honored God. I didn't understand how all of the things we were taught to do or not to do had anything to do with actually honoring Him, but I didn't question. Well, at least not most of the time. When I did ask questions I was always told it is the way it has always been and we are not to question it.
So here is where I am sure I will stir some and they will whole-heartedly disagree with me, but that's OK. Philippians 2 talks to us about working out our own salvation with fear and trembling, in other words be convinced in your own mind that what you believe is true, but realize it is God which works in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure. The Amish believe in God. The Amish believe in Jesus Christ as being crucified for the forgiveness of sins. Their error is thinking they can force people to live a life that honors God by creating a bunch of rules to keep people in line. Their second error is believing that it is what they wear and what they have or don't have that separates them from the world. Where they miss it is living a life that truly honors our Father in heaven is a matter of the heart and not the outward. Where they miss it is realizing if the matters of the heart are taken care of the outward follows. God is a spirit and they that worship Him must worship Him in spirit and in truth. John 4:23-24
So the thing everyone needs to understand is what they believe they sincerely believe to be the gospel. They can't always give an explanation to why they believe what they do, just that it is what they have been taught to believe. I truly believe the only way to reach and lead someone to a knowledge of the truth, especially someone who loves God, believes in God, believes in Jesus Christ as the One who came to earth and was crucified for us is through love. For a works based religion it is very difficult to grasp the fact that salvation is a free gift and there is nothing you can do to earn it. They need to see the love of Jesus shining in us by how we treat each other and then by how we treat them. Our mission is to love and to be loved. Love is the source and reason behind everything God is and God does. Jesus never condemned or pointed out the wrong (unless you were a high-minded, spiritually proud Pharisee or Sadducee) but always in love pointed people to the right path. This is the way, walk ye in it. Now go and sin no more. I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life and no one comes to the Father but by me. These were His instructions when an act of sin even one listed in the Ten Commandments such as do not commit adultery was brought to His attention.
In conclusion, my experience and what my Father in heaven has taught me is...it is not my responsibility to convince anyone what they should believe, but that each one needs to be convinced in their own mind what they believe is true. I have also learned that because it is our commission to go and make disciples of all men that we need to share the truth of God's Word as He leads us and directs us to do so, but I have found that is done more with how I live then what I try to share with someone. Our first commandment is to love God with all our heart, soul, and strength and the second is to love our neighbor as myself. We were created to be loved and to love. It is what every soul longs for...to be loved.
Even after almost 19 years since I left, I still experience shunning and excommunication from my family when I go visit. I have to say I experience it to a much lesser degree than most. One of the ways they let me know I am not considered a part of the family anymore is I do not hear from my family at all unless there is a death in the family usually someone who is in the immediate family such as a grandparent (which all of my grandparents are now deceased), aunt, uncle, etc. I do not receive invitations to any family gatherings or functions including weddings. So yes I do still experience the excommunication and shunning practiced by my culture. To be completely honest things may be different today if I had the same mindset when I first left as I do today. Unfortunately I had a lot to learn. When I first left I was in full defense mode and I took down or at least tried to take down everyone who tried to convince me the road I was on was the wrong one. In other words I tried to convince those who tried to save this black sheep from total damnation as they saw it that I had found the truth and if they would just listen they would see it too. Well, you see when people are blind, they can't see. And furthermore only God can cause the blind to see, not Barbara. Well, I admit I tried to make my family see and not always in the most graceious of ways and the result was alienation and not restored relationships. Even though none of my siblings ever speak to me or want anything to do with me, I do still get to go see my parents and they love my daughters like they are their grandchildren for which I am thankful. I pray every day for restoration of relationships with my family, but I don't try to force them to see...that I will leave to the Holy Spirit. Only a God so loving as ours knows what it will take and at what moment someone will choose to surrender their lives completely and totally to Him. And at best all I can do is love and cherish every moment I get with my parents and pray there will be a day when my family will all be together again in unity and harmony.
In summary I have determined that loving and praying and living what I believe is much more powerful than trying to defend, convince and prove that I am right and they are wrong! Love! Is there anything greater on this planet? True, genuine, unconditional love?!! It's what we are called to, were created for, and what we all long for, but how many of us live there? I ask God every day to help me love as He loves, as He has called us to love, first Him and then people. What if we all lived like today was our last day? We are not promised tomorrow! What an impact would we have on the world around us? God is present and evident everywhere. Are we aware of His presence? Do we spend time in His presence? Are we more concerned with what is on God's agenda for our day than our own or do we have our life all planned and any deviation is not optional? Yes, challenging questions, I know, but ones we must all answer or they will be answered for us only we may not like the results.
Excommunication and shunning is very real, it is for most very painful, and although we hear it a lot in reference to the Amish and those who leave it happens in many other cultures and religions as well. It is a practice that we will not change, it is a core belief for most who practice it. Our mission should be to love those who persecute us, because an encounter, a true love encounter with Jesus Christ is the only thing that will change a belief or a hard heart, or open a blind eye and allow them to see. Our mission...to LOVE because LOVE conquers all and only One greater than us can reveal what that LOVE looks like!
First, I would like to say that neither of these words actually show up in the KJV Bible, which albeit in German is the one the Amish use. The word shunned is used in Acts 20:27 and 2 Timothy 2:16 but neither excommunication or shunning are found.
Second, I am not going to get into all the theological mumbo jumbo of this subject, but I will share my experience. I became a member of the Amish church when I was 18. I left 5 years later when I was 23. As is the custom I was paid several visits by the Bishops (the one in the church I currently attended and the one who baptized me), the ministers and deacon. It is their duty to go talk to one who as they see it is erring in their ways. They came to talk to me and to try to explain to me where and why I was wrong. I respectfully listened and thanked them, but told them when they left to do whatever it was they needed to do. I was not coming back. I later received a letter that told me I had been excommunicated. How I am treated depends on where I go, who else is there when I go, and I must say my mindset and attitude has had a lot to do with how I have been treated. See sometimes those of us who leave, because we feel God has enlightened us and we have received Jesus as our personal Savior, feel the need to prove we are right and they are wrong and we try to play the Holy Spirit in their life which is something God never intended for us to do.
Many of us who have left the Amish left for many different reasons. I was one of those people who never allowed myself to consider leaving because I didn't want to go to hell and I was a school teacher after all so I had influence over the young people in our community. Going to hell is what they teach will happen if you leave the church, because they believe it is belonging to the church that keeps you connected to and right with God. I loved God and I wanted to live a life that honored God. I didn't understand how all of the things we were taught to do or not to do had anything to do with actually honoring Him, but I didn't question. Well, at least not most of the time. When I did ask questions I was always told it is the way it has always been and we are not to question it.
So here is where I am sure I will stir some and they will whole-heartedly disagree with me, but that's OK. Philippians 2 talks to us about working out our own salvation with fear and trembling, in other words be convinced in your own mind that what you believe is true, but realize it is God which works in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure. The Amish believe in God. The Amish believe in Jesus Christ as being crucified for the forgiveness of sins. Their error is thinking they can force people to live a life that honors God by creating a bunch of rules to keep people in line. Their second error is believing that it is what they wear and what they have or don't have that separates them from the world. Where they miss it is living a life that truly honors our Father in heaven is a matter of the heart and not the outward. Where they miss it is realizing if the matters of the heart are taken care of the outward follows. God is a spirit and they that worship Him must worship Him in spirit and in truth. John 4:23-24
So the thing everyone needs to understand is what they believe they sincerely believe to be the gospel. They can't always give an explanation to why they believe what they do, just that it is what they have been taught to believe. I truly believe the only way to reach and lead someone to a knowledge of the truth, especially someone who loves God, believes in God, believes in Jesus Christ as the One who came to earth and was crucified for us is through love. For a works based religion it is very difficult to grasp the fact that salvation is a free gift and there is nothing you can do to earn it. They need to see the love of Jesus shining in us by how we treat each other and then by how we treat them. Our mission is to love and to be loved. Love is the source and reason behind everything God is and God does. Jesus never condemned or pointed out the wrong (unless you were a high-minded, spiritually proud Pharisee or Sadducee) but always in love pointed people to the right path. This is the way, walk ye in it. Now go and sin no more. I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life and no one comes to the Father but by me. These were His instructions when an act of sin even one listed in the Ten Commandments such as do not commit adultery was brought to His attention.
In conclusion, my experience and what my Father in heaven has taught me is...it is not my responsibility to convince anyone what they should believe, but that each one needs to be convinced in their own mind what they believe is true. I have also learned that because it is our commission to go and make disciples of all men that we need to share the truth of God's Word as He leads us and directs us to do so, but I have found that is done more with how I live then what I try to share with someone. Our first commandment is to love God with all our heart, soul, and strength and the second is to love our neighbor as myself. We were created to be loved and to love. It is what every soul longs for...to be loved.
Even after almost 19 years since I left, I still experience shunning and excommunication from my family when I go visit. I have to say I experience it to a much lesser degree than most. One of the ways they let me know I am not considered a part of the family anymore is I do not hear from my family at all unless there is a death in the family usually someone who is in the immediate family such as a grandparent (which all of my grandparents are now deceased), aunt, uncle, etc. I do not receive invitations to any family gatherings or functions including weddings. So yes I do still experience the excommunication and shunning practiced by my culture. To be completely honest things may be different today if I had the same mindset when I first left as I do today. Unfortunately I had a lot to learn. When I first left I was in full defense mode and I took down or at least tried to take down everyone who tried to convince me the road I was on was the wrong one. In other words I tried to convince those who tried to save this black sheep from total damnation as they saw it that I had found the truth and if they would just listen they would see it too. Well, you see when people are blind, they can't see. And furthermore only God can cause the blind to see, not Barbara. Well, I admit I tried to make my family see and not always in the most graceious of ways and the result was alienation and not restored relationships. Even though none of my siblings ever speak to me or want anything to do with me, I do still get to go see my parents and they love my daughters like they are their grandchildren for which I am thankful. I pray every day for restoration of relationships with my family, but I don't try to force them to see...that I will leave to the Holy Spirit. Only a God so loving as ours knows what it will take and at what moment someone will choose to surrender their lives completely and totally to Him. And at best all I can do is love and cherish every moment I get with my parents and pray there will be a day when my family will all be together again in unity and harmony.
In summary I have determined that loving and praying and living what I believe is much more powerful than trying to defend, convince and prove that I am right and they are wrong! Love! Is there anything greater on this planet? True, genuine, unconditional love?!! It's what we are called to, were created for, and what we all long for, but how many of us live there? I ask God every day to help me love as He loves, as He has called us to love, first Him and then people. What if we all lived like today was our last day? We are not promised tomorrow! What an impact would we have on the world around us? God is present and evident everywhere. Are we aware of His presence? Do we spend time in His presence? Are we more concerned with what is on God's agenda for our day than our own or do we have our life all planned and any deviation is not optional? Yes, challenging questions, I know, but ones we must all answer or they will be answered for us only we may not like the results.
Excommunication and shunning is very real, it is for most very painful, and although we hear it a lot in reference to the Amish and those who leave it happens in many other cultures and religions as well. It is a practice that we will not change, it is a core belief for most who practice it. Our mission should be to love those who persecute us, because an encounter, a true love encounter with Jesus Christ is the only thing that will change a belief or a hard heart, or open a blind eye and allow them to see. Our mission...to LOVE because LOVE conquers all and only One greater than us can reveal what that LOVE looks like!
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Time to Tap the Maple Trees
So several years ago I posted about one of my favorite memories as a child was syrup making time. It is almost that time of year again! Just when you think winter is never going to end, it's time to tap the trees which is the surest sign that spring is going to be coming very soon. Some days I long to go back to a life that was far more simple than the one I find myself in today.
Tapping the trees was a task only my Dad was able to do as you had to make sure you were tapping a maple tree and not any of the other trees like oak or ash. You see there are no leaves on the trees at this time in Ohio and that is how I would know what kind of tree it is. Not only that the spile had to be put at just the right place and just the right angle. So that was always Dad's job.
Of course Dad did the gathering as well because you had to use a team of horses who pulled this huge tank around the woods while each bucket had to be lifted from the trees and emptied. I did help with this task once or twice but my absolute favorite part was to be in the sugar house while the sap was being cooked down into syrup. I remember the smell of the wood burning and I remember the fire was extremely hot. It was usually so cozy and warm in the sugar house and when it was my turn (my brothers and I had to take turns because someone had to stay and do the chores) to go back to the woods after school for the evening I would get to take dinner back for the ones who were back doing the cooking of the sap. Of course my most favorite part of the night was making dessert...maple cream. It is the sweetest most delectable dessert I have ever eaten and I don't know why I have not done this but I have never made it since leaving home. Maybe because it would just not be the same. It is a little hard to create the atmosphere of the sugarhouse in the city. That has been such a long time ago. Now that I live in a climate that actually has winter and it freezes I will have to look into teaching my girls this awesome skill.
One other thing this time of year reminds me of is spring is coming. February and sometimes March seemed to be endless to me especially when I was young and going to school. In northeastern Ohio it felt like winter was never going to leave!
Until next time "carpe diem"! "seize the day"
Bountiful Blessings,
Barbara Kay
Tapping the trees was a task only my Dad was able to do as you had to make sure you were tapping a maple tree and not any of the other trees like oak or ash. You see there are no leaves on the trees at this time in Ohio and that is how I would know what kind of tree it is. Not only that the spile had to be put at just the right place and just the right angle. So that was always Dad's job.
Of course Dad did the gathering as well because you had to use a team of horses who pulled this huge tank around the woods while each bucket had to be lifted from the trees and emptied. I did help with this task once or twice but my absolute favorite part was to be in the sugar house while the sap was being cooked down into syrup. I remember the smell of the wood burning and I remember the fire was extremely hot. It was usually so cozy and warm in the sugar house and when it was my turn (my brothers and I had to take turns because someone had to stay and do the chores) to go back to the woods after school for the evening I would get to take dinner back for the ones who were back doing the cooking of the sap. Of course my most favorite part of the night was making dessert...maple cream. It is the sweetest most delectable dessert I have ever eaten and I don't know why I have not done this but I have never made it since leaving home. Maybe because it would just not be the same. It is a little hard to create the atmosphere of the sugarhouse in the city. That has been such a long time ago. Now that I live in a climate that actually has winter and it freezes I will have to look into teaching my girls this awesome skill.
One other thing this time of year reminds me of is spring is coming. February and sometimes March seemed to be endless to me especially when I was young and going to school. In northeastern Ohio it felt like winter was never going to leave!
Until next time "carpe diem"! "seize the day"
Bountiful Blessings,
Barbara Kay
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Wow! 3 Years of LIFE and so much has changed!
Hello Again,
Wow! First I must offer my apology to those of you who were hoping to follow this blog and learn lots about the Amish. There have been some dramatic happenings in my life in the last 3 years and a lot has changed. But I am a firm believer that we have to be the change we want to see in the world so I am not going to reflect any longer on the past except to draw from the valuable lessons I have learned and they were many! I am sure if you become a faithful follower (I hope you will) I will be able to share some of the lessons I have learned and hopefully it will help some of you in your life. I truly believe the things we experience in life are not just for us to learn from but are meant to be shared that others may learn and grow and even be spared heartache and pain.
My goal is to post a new post every week. So please say a prayer for me to be able to accomplish that goal!
So now to the future! I am excited about what the future holds! There is so much promise and so much hope! My faith has been strengthened by the things I have experienced since I last posted. I have become a single mother and my two daughters and I moved to Colorado one year ago. It is so beautiful here and being able to see the mountains every day and breathe the clean mountain air has revived my soul in a way I cannot put into words!
So for tonight I just wanted to revive this blog and let you know I have returned!
Please send me your questions on some of the things you are interested in hearing about in regards to the Amish to hbkeim03@gmail.com. Maybe you don't have a question but have a topic you would like me to address. Please send me those topics as well! I want to know what you are interested in reading! I will do my best to answer each one of them and if there is one I don't have an answer for I will get it for you!
Bountiful Blessings
Barbara Kay
Wow! First I must offer my apology to those of you who were hoping to follow this blog and learn lots about the Amish. There have been some dramatic happenings in my life in the last 3 years and a lot has changed. But I am a firm believer that we have to be the change we want to see in the world so I am not going to reflect any longer on the past except to draw from the valuable lessons I have learned and they were many! I am sure if you become a faithful follower (I hope you will) I will be able to share some of the lessons I have learned and hopefully it will help some of you in your life. I truly believe the things we experience in life are not just for us to learn from but are meant to be shared that others may learn and grow and even be spared heartache and pain.
My goal is to post a new post every week. So please say a prayer for me to be able to accomplish that goal!
So now to the future! I am excited about what the future holds! There is so much promise and so much hope! My faith has been strengthened by the things I have experienced since I last posted. I have become a single mother and my two daughters and I moved to Colorado one year ago. It is so beautiful here and being able to see the mountains every day and breathe the clean mountain air has revived my soul in a way I cannot put into words!
So for tonight I just wanted to revive this blog and let you know I have returned!
Please send me your questions on some of the things you are interested in hearing about in regards to the Amish to hbkeim03@gmail.com. Maybe you don't have a question but have a topic you would like me to address. Please send me those topics as well! I want to know what you are interested in reading! I will do my best to answer each one of them and if there is one I don't have an answer for I will get it for you!
Bountiful Blessings
Barbara Kay
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